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ramblings |
Part-Time Sucks: Whine #1
2002.06.30
I shall now take a gigantic breath and then scream:
"PART-TIME SUCKS!"OK. I feel better now.
I went to meet a couple of TS friends for dinner at their place and I thought we were going to be eating at home, or going out casually. I told them that I couldn't stay long because I was meeting up w/ some guy friends later to play video games into the wee hours of the morn. So I threw on jeans, a gray t-shirt, and a larger denim shirt over that. You know, I figured I was going straight to the guy's house after dinner so I wouldn't have time to change out of Girl Mode. So, out my door I went and at their porch I arrived not more than a half hour later.
I bounce up the steps clutching my cellular phone so it doesn't bounce off and away from my belt. I open the screen door as the main door opens and there one of my TS friends is in a nice white and floral sleeveless dress. I enter in through the door, give her a hug, and compliment her on how good she looks. I turn to the right and there's my other friend in a darker floral print sleeveless dress as well. She's dressed pretty neat as well. I do a doubletake between the two of them and then it hits me: we're going out and we're going to some place not entirely casual. Damn. It was at that moment I was really hating the fact I'm part-time right now. But wait! There's more!
We drive down to a nice Italian place nestled amongst an affluent neighborhood and quaint small-town shops. I park the car and say in my girlie voice, "I hope you don't mind me reverting back to Guy Mode right about now." I felt ugly in denim with these two lovely ladies next to me. I felt even worse that in my current state of dress that I wasn't even looking remotely feminine. One of the girls said she didn't care whether I was in Girl Mode or Guy Mode, but I felt uncomfortable enough that I just had to go back to Guy Mode. I step out of the car and into my Guy Mode strut and baritone voice. And right about then I got even more depressed about the situation.
Maybe "depressed" is too strong of a word. Maybe "majorly bummed out" is a better description. I came to the realization that I really do feel a strong dichotomy between my physical body and internal gender, maybe that time was the strongest that I had felt in a long time. Why shouldn't I just present myself as a girl all of the time? At least even if I'm overly casual in a nice establishment at least I'm in Girl Mode! Grrr... Part-time sucks.
Taking a moment to reflect on this last paragraph, I see a major shift in my attitude maybe since the beginning of the year. Previous to 2002 I felt ugly in general. However, 2002+ I started feeling a lot better about myself and especially how I present myself because I felt I just looked more girlish. Maybe it was the hair (on my head) or the lack thereof (on my beard). Maybe it was the starting of spironolactone or patches. Maybe it was that I had come out to my housemates. I don't know, but I was no longer afraid to be in public. I went out wherever and I was just me, Amber, and no questions were asked. So now when I have to do this dress-like-a-guy-but-act-like-a-girl thing it's realy unnerving. I like being in Girl Mode and it is my most natural state.
I'm just whining and I think I'll stop now. I just hope part-time will be over soon.
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