Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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A few thoughts have begun to bother me more in the past 3 or 4 days:
Why is it taking me so long to get this pre-transition done?
Am I holding back because of something? Am I fooling myself?
Am I really committed to doing this? Am I forcing myself to commit
to something that may not be right? Why am I not so sure of myself
after 4 years of exploration? Why am I not moving faster when it
feels so right? Does it really feel right? Am I letting fear
control my schedule? Am I afraid of myself? Why can't I commit
to this transition? Is this the wrong choice?
Really, it must boggle some people's minds how someone in my position
can still be dilly-dallying without moving full force. I mean, here
I am post-electrolysis, well into HRT, out to many friends, out to
parents, a bit of time part-time, a lifestyle that incorporates a lot
of feminine traits, and I still waver. I have seen many people go
from having done nothing to being done with SRS in about 3 years. I've
been at this 4 years. And so I have to ask myself, is my sluggishness
masking something far more insidious? Am I really walking the right
path?
I listed the stages that I've gone through in the past 4 years:
Discovery.
I came across my first bits of information about
transgendered people and transsexuals. I read voraciously, slept
little, and soaked in so much information to fill an emotional gap.
I would stay up odd hours reading countless web pages and then I
started buying a few books.
Shock. After brooding about things I began to become worried
that, gee, I might really be a transsexual. I fit so many of the
signs, and yet why hadn't I noticed this before.
Confusion.
I began to wonder if I was deluding myself, if my heart spoke the
truth or I was just making things up.
Procrastination.
I didn't know if I should make that first call to the therapist or
open up to my doctor. I was scared. So scared.
I felt I didn't really have anyone
to talk to, but at the same time I needed it.
Baby Steps.
Resolve to myself that I couldn't evaluate what I needed by just
talking about it. I started dressing up at group therapy, began
getting clothing that symbolically represented who I thought I
was, and began electrolysis.
Hesitation.
I did not take HRT for so long. It wasn't until I saw more friends
pass me by in transition that I became uneasy waiting. If I was
really really determined to get transition over and done with I
could have sped up electrolysis to about 1.5 years instead of 2.5
years and I could have started HRT maybe in mid-2001 instead of
mid-2002.
Emancipation.
I finally took a look at myself and said, "hey, you know you've
felt pretty good about this so far, you need to let go of your
Boy Life." I'm still sort of going through this right now. I
need to decide if I can truly let go of everything around me and
power through the rest of the transition.
But here are ones that I haven't quite reached.
Commitment.
Absolute resolution in mind and heart that this is the right thing
to do and the removal of doubt. This is dangerous, in my opinion,
because once I commit it will be very very difficult to reverse my
thinking. I need to come to my decision by the end of this weekend
because the next stage is coming up.
Action.
This is where the whole transition plan gets laid down, times are
roughly fixed, and I start going under the knife. I plot out each
thing that needs to get done and I do it.
Execution.
It will be a whirlwind of
a year and half. Everything that was planned gets done. My free
time is going to go out the window. This site may languish, I'll
probably go 2-3 weeks w/out answering e-mail, and a few other things
will drop. I need to focus on me, because if I don't I'm going to
get stuck on that fence.
Completion.
I finish up the last of the surgeries and I walk away from transition.
That may mean I fall out of the T* community altogether, not because
I don't want to associate with it but I need to get on with my life.
My new motto is: I will not get stuck.
My therapist warned me this: either you commit to transition or you
don't, because if you sit on that fence too long you're going to become
depressed and your life will fall apart in front of your eyes. I
think I see why that is the case. She's pushing me to go forward or
not at all, and I've always been reluctant to move faster than I have.
Granted, I have a lot of good reasons, but you have to wonder if my
reasons are really good reasons at all. I feel at this point I should
be really committed to doing my transition and getting it over with.
Really, I am getting tired of being in this middle ground.
Even though I've been slow, I do look back and realize it wasn't
that slow under the circumstances. I didn't have a lot of cash
built up at the time (and we're not going to talk about how much I
lost in the stock market!), I was working around people's schedules,
and I wanted to be sure that I was OK at every step. I'm still waiting
for HRT to do more work---I think 9 months on HRT is a magic number and
I'm at almost 7 months.
It was a very
linear method: therapy, then electrolysis, then going out, then HRT.
I now need to start doing things in parallel. And that means taking
my foot off that brake and going forward. I have less excuses now.
I feel that as long as I
am resolved that this is right and that I've considered my options
carefully, I can go forth without hesitation.
One thing interesting happened yesterday during work. I
talked to a
long-time colleague (who doesn't know) that I haven't spoken to since
last month. We're on different schedules now so she and I just spent
a half hour or so catching up. In the course of our chat she says she
wants to show me something. So she hands me a set of headphones and
I look at her monitor. A couple clicks of the mouse and a PowerPoint
slideshow begins running.
This isn't a corporate slideshow---this is something that a relative of
hers sent her on a CD which had pictures of three of his daughters
having a day at the beach. I stayed there transfixed at the screen
watching all these pictures go by while Len's Steal My Sunshine
played in the background. I saw these three happy girls playing,
running, smiling, and it reminded me of why I came this far. I so
wanted to be like those girls, and I still do. That slideshow was like
a pinch to my arm or a light kick to the butt. I just couldn't help
smiling watching them and a secondary train of thought ran through my
mind: that could be you if you commit.
I'm spending this weekend brooding over life and stuff. I'm putting
together my Action Plan, if you will. I'm clearing final shreds of
doubt from the dusty corners of my mind. I need to commit or not
commit. There is no try, only do.
I will not get stuck.I will not get stuck.I will not get stuck.
