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ramblings |
The Story Until Now: Part 1
1998.12.23
Never in my life would I have wanted things to turn out this way. No amount of education or experience could have prepared me for the findings that I stumbled across in the past four months. I came into the world thinking that everything was just going to be normal, but I was sure wrong.
In September of this year, I chanced across some pages which talked about this weird transsexualism stuff. My vision on life completely changed at that point because up until then I had thought that I was going to be stuck in a male body for the rest of my life and that the recurring thoughts of becoming female were just some weird notion in my head. Moreover, I thought I was pretty much alone in this. I never felt I was doomed or "trapped" as some people put it, but there was this nagging feeling that something wasn't physically right. In my youth I had actually considered what life would be like if I was born into the opposite sex. In the end I figured that I had better forget about those ridiculous things because there would be no way for that ever to happen unless you believe in reincarnation. I was relatively happy. I was coping. But was I truly happy?
In a few days I learned that it is possible with the help of modern medicine to change your body---and that the results can be quite pleasing. This not only made me extremely happy but also scared to death. For once in my life I now had an option. I had medical facts, true testimonies, and amateur photos to back it all up. It was possible to live out that ridiculous dream! But reality settled in. Just what is it that I'm longing for anyways?
I'm still trying to answer that question, but my answers are becoming clearer. Should I choose to embark upon a transition from male to female, I'm not doing it because of the sex, I'm not doing it because of the clothing, and I'm not doing it because I'm in an attention deficit. I'm going to do it because I feel that I've been bouncing against an invisible cage which restricts my behavior and thought. It's a general thing and I'm not even absolutely certain that this is the reason, but it is the reason I have at the moment and I stand by it 100%.
I am scared, too. I don't want to lose my job, my apartment, and my belongings. I don't want to lose my family, my relatives, my colleagues, my friends, and my girlfriend. People dealing with transgender issues often find themselves isolated as the world they helped build suddenly closes its doors to them. I don't want to be left out---the whole point of me approaching a transition is to find myself in the company of others. I don't like the pain and hatred I see that arises out of making large changes like this. And yet, I step closer to the fateful transition period each day. I somehow feel it's the right thing to do. Honesty with oneself. Honesty with other people.
I grew up thinking that race was a silly issue. No one race is really better equipped than another race. Each race has very high potential. Same with gender. Most everything girls can do are things that boys can do, and vice versa. It seems that society draws these invisible division lines to separate what is boy-stuff, what is girl-stuff, and what is neither-stuff. I participated in all three circles, but found that I naturally gravitated towards the girl-stuff category. I quickly found that that was not to be allowed, though.
I look back and I realize that it wasn't doing the girl stuff that made me happier, it was the general community that the girls had which surrounded the activities they did. I wanted to be part of that community. Even today there is still that yearning. However, I wasn't convinced that that desire was the only reason or even the right reason. And so I launched an investigation to root out the truth.
I picked a girl's name, registered an e-mail account, put up a Web page, and found out I could help out at the TransGender Guide site. I found a wonderful therapist. I began speaking with a few equally-wonderful friends across the Internet. I started writing a lot, too. All of this while withholding information from friends, family, and my girlfriend. I hate to keep this to myself, but I still need a little more information before I can go off and tell them that "hey, this is who I really am". The time will be coming very soon where I will give them definite answers---they probably already know something is going on.
I'm still alive and healthy. I'm very thankful for all the opportunities I've had so far and the help I've received in my journeys. There will be much more to write about and to celebrate in the future.
And that's the story so far.
a:)
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