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ramblings |
The Story Until Now: Part 2
1999.02.04
Maybe I've been working too hard. Maybe I should get more sleep. Maybe I was trying to make myself believe something that wasn't. Maybe I'm overwhelmed by what I've seen so far. Maybe it's just plain mental burn-out. I don't know but the past couple of days I seem to have hit an invisible wall that I just can't go through.
The past seven months have been a wondrous soul-searching period in my life where I've uncovered lots of things I had forgotten---intentionally and unintentionally. For once my life seems to make sense. I feel happier and more alive than before. I have had a chance to CD in public venues. I am learning all sorts of new things. I have met some great people. And yet I find myself worried and I've decided to put the brakes on this T* stuff. I'm not turned off by anything really that I've seen so far, but I am finding it more difficult to proceed towards doing more CDing, more T* experimentation, more "girl" stuff.
No, it doesn't mean I'm stopping my search or leaving the T* community at all. Rather, I am going to slow down my efforts just a bit because I don't feel that I'm making that much more progress. That may seem strange if I look back at the pace of all the events that have transpired since last August 1998. You would think that I'm heading down the path to a transition and now it seems I'm doing an about-face. What happened?
It all comes down to a single point: don't transition unless absolutely necessary. And for me, I'm not at that point yet. You see, I'm not in the same horrendous pain that others may be faced with. I don't curse my existence. I get along fairly well with all types of people. I have a pretty stable life now (outside of T* stuff) and from the outset it looks like that it can only get better. I'm very lucky to have a wonderful girlfriend and close friends. So, common sense says "don't rock the boat".
Now, I can't say that I'm not bothered by T* issues---because I am. I have always felt I should have been more of a girl than a boy. I have had many problems trying to fit into my gender role and into society in general. I would love to own more "girl" kinds of things. (I get enough teasing 'cuz I have floral print bedsheets.
^_^)
But, the fact is that it is not at a crippling level. I have
learned in my travels how to ward off verbal abuse and I'm just strong
enough to be able to defend myself against most physical abuse. In
short, I've learned how to compensate and cope.What brought on this change in attitude? After listening to more people who have transitioned or are transitioning, I found that the majority of those people went forth with changing their lives because their current life was becoming unbearable. And, they could see that heading down their current path in life was only going to cause them more pain. So, in their case, transition wasn't just something they wanted to do but also a way to save their lives. Everyone should be able to find happiness, and if it requires a change in your physical presentation, then transition is a consideration.
So, upsetting the perceived balance in my life at this moment is just silly. I'll go on coping because I've become pretty good at it. I'll continue going to counseling and I will certainly show up at the support group meetings. I will keep maintaining this Web site and I will still read/write e-mail. Heck, I may even go out time to time with some of the other T* girls. My bio reads like many other girls out there, but I'm not going to rush things for the moment. I'm going to take it slowly and let things just settle down and see if I can find the things in my life that will force me to take a second look at transitioning.
It's hard to sort of turn away from all that has been done up until this point, but I feel that I'm subconsciously pushing myself towards the realm of transitioning when that may actually not be necessary at all. Though I will probably always have desires and dreams of being female, until they become a threat to my way of life should I pursue any major changes.
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Have any comments for this girl? Send me some fe-mail! ^_^
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