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Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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ramblings

The Story Until Now: Part 6
2001.12.31

Reflection of a year of change

This has certainly been a year where the pace has been slowly accellerating towards transition. I've temporarily set my sights on that as the short-term goal and I'm gathering the things I'll need to get myself through it. Maybe we can summarize these past few years as:

1998 A year of introduction. I was just getting familiar with places I could get information and I started assuming a female-oriented presence on the Internet. I made my first attempts at getting help by speaking with my doctor and later to a therapist.

1999 A year of introspection. I did some real heavy thinking and tried to dig through my memories and my emotions as much as possible. I guess this could also be dubbed the Year of Denial as well as I wasn't ready to accept that I was at least transgendered. I started making contacts in the transgendered community.

2000 A year of action. I made a commitment to myself to really make an active attempt at solving my gender identity problem rather than just sit and think. I had reached a real impasse with my therapist because no new topics of discussion were coming out and my feelings about myself hadn't changed. I began the painful process of electrolysis and started using my female voice more often.

2001 A year of acclimation. With my appearance slowly changing towards androgeny, I began to take advantage of that to venture out in Amber Mode more often. I needed to learn how the world treated women firsthand and for me to get comfortable portraying one. I began accumulating a lot of women's clothing to let me pass well enough to get around.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how far I've come in a year. Then again, it's pretty slow when you compare it to some people. I guess I'm just one of those people who needs a while to get going. I sort of kick myself for not doing all of this sooner. But then again, I remind myself that if I had tried to do this any earlier or faster that I would have had lots of unanswered questions. At least now I have only a couple of questions remaining:

Will I be able to make a decent life after transition? I still don't know if the costs of transition will overwhelm me. I am hoping that I've planned well enough to make a relatively painless and uneventful transition, and that after this phase is done that I can just move on. I'm betting I'll have a number of losses but I'm banking on my traits of perseverance, resourcefulness, and patience to carry me forward. It would be nice to have a few allies to lean on during the journey.
Am I certain that I have enough desire to make womanhood work? I am always fearful that there is something else motivating me to maybe seem transgendered or transsexual. I want to be sure that I'm not being influenced by anyone else and that I have no other medical/psychological conditions which I might be interpreting as me needing to be a woman. I'm hoping that what keeps me moving forward is a strong internal desire that is rooted in my personality. If so, then the true path for me is transition. If not, well, I hope that I can bail out of transition at any time.

So, I resolve for the new year to go forward without regrets and try to make a serious effort at transition. With a lot of luck I just might be able to pull this thing off.

1998	A year of introduction. I was just getting familiar with places I could get information and I started assuming a female-oriented presence on the Internet. I made my first attempts at getting help by speaking with my doctor and later to a therapist.
1999	A year of introspection. I did some real heavy thinking and tried to dig through my memories and my emotions as much as possible. I guess this could also be dubbed the Year of Denial as well as I wasn't ready to accept that I was at least transgendered. I started making contacts in the transgendered community.
2000	A year of action. I made a commitment to myself to really make an active attempt at solving my gender identity problem rather than just sit and think. I had reached a real impasse with my therapist because no new topics of discussion were coming out and my feelings about myself hadn't changed. I began the painful process of electrolysis and started using my female voice more often.
2001	A year of acclimation. With my appearance slowly changing towards androgeny, I began to take advantage of that to venture out in Amber Mode more often. I needed to learn how the world treated women firsthand and for me to get comfortable portraying one. I began accumulating a lot of women's clothing to let me pass well enough to get around.