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ramblings |
Three Possible Fates
2001.12.02
I was talking with another MTF friend over the phone about where us T*'s are going in life. She is at those beginning stages of figuring out the depth of her GID and deciding what to do about it. She hasn't started therapy, electrolysis, hormones, etc. yet. She seems to be at a point where she's done a little gender exploration and was sort of stalling out of her exploration. So the conversation went on with me trying to say what some of her options were. I had run into a similar point about two years ago (just before New Year's 2000). Both of us have lots of similarities in our lives so what I said to her also applies in my case. (To describe her, she knows she's not gay---i.e. male-to-male sex is not what she wants---yet she likes men and the thought of being with them. She feels cross-gendered. And she's also a bit weird/odd/on the fringe/etc. She has had a lifetime of TG and is so she's unlikely to change.)
So this is what I figured would be the main possible futures for her:
- Live as an eternal bachelor. Since she wants to get into men but doesn't want to alter her body, that pretty much rules out intimate relationships. So, she could live in eternal bachelorhood. This doesn't mean she can't have a fulfilling life, but her relationships would most likely be her living as a guy with close circles of friends. She may be forever confused and considered weird because she has characteristics of women and yet functions as a man. She may be considered somewhat gay, but no one may ever really say it to her face. And she may find herself somewhat lonely because she's afraid to enter into that intimate relationship. There's the possibility she could attempt a homosexual relationship, but that may not be fulfilling.
- Continue living in the male role. She could put her gender issues away in a box and live as a male indefinitely. She could crossdress at times if it made her feel better, but she still might feel incomplete. In a situation like this she is likely to try to find another woman. If the woman is a strong woman, then she (my friend) can play the traditional female roles. If the woman is a feminine woman and knows about my friend's transgenderism, then they might have fun with the crossdressing and roleplaying. But, to assume a more normal life (and because my friend wants children), she could have kids with the other woman. In a case like that she is likely to throw all of her TG energy into parenthood and thus the TG energy is dissipated. However, once the kids are all grown up and gone, will the TG be there still? Will she be able to control the TG?
- Transition to a female role. This would allow her to assume the role she has always wanted. If she can pass fairly well, then she'll get on with life and she should have a somewhat fulfilling time. If she cannot pass well, then she'll be fighting an uphill battle. In either case, she will never be completely female and as such will encounter problems with relationships. In the best case she might be able to have a true love relationship with another man.
For myself, I'm choosing the transition route. I know I won't be satisfied as a bachelor. I could do the continue-living-in-male-mode and it probably would be a good life. But, I think I really need to chase after what I yearn for. I don't want to wake up in the mornings like I do and think about putting on my Male Face---that is, everything I do/say sort of masks what I really want to do/say. I know the risks and the results aren't always optimal, but I want to take the chance and see if my gut feeling is right. I've been gaining experience by being out in the world as Amber more often and I think it just feels better. Not exactly feeling correct, but definitely feeling better.
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