Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear?
But with a voice as big as the sea so spoke those who have gone before me.
They caution:
If you're questionning, slow down.
If you're not sure, turn around.
If you're not you, stop.
And I sit here atop my mounds of comforters under the light of my bed lamp,
ruminating. I'm about to take another step forward and enter another phase
of my life. But should I? Must I?
Almost a year ago I reflected on this. I even
used the word "ruminate" too. Anyways, I question because honestly some
things in transition have come very easily and some continue to be a challenge.
I always expected more resistance to getting to the point where I could
function socially in a female role. It turns out it's not that much of a
stretch for me. In fact it feels good---so I guess the GID problem is going
away. But there are some things which continue to be a challenge, and I have
the most questions about them.
For one, take the whole voice thing. I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be
and I'm not even sure it's physically possible. Yes I probably should see a
voice therapist, but regardless I think I'm always going to be up against
a barrier. I think the voice is a dead giveaway kind of thing and that's
worrisome. I question whether I'll be able to pass voicewise.
I also have doubts on the overall image thing. Sure I have a lot of advantages
that were sort of givens, but I still have tons of male-ish characteristics
and it bothers me that I can't get rid of them---e.g. bone structure, muscle
mass. I can compensate for them but not in all situations. And even now and
then I get funny looks, the kind where you don't know if people are finding
something weird about you or they're checking you out. (Trust me, it just
happened where there was a real uncomfortable bunch of people staring at me.
I blame the lighting in the store.) I question how normal I look.
And we haven't gotten to the years of social conditioning part. I've played
a strong role and acted a certain way for so long before I went full-time it
is truly hard to undo a lot of ingrained behavior. There are many times where
I do something or say something and then I have this inner moment of
doh! where I just want to hit a galactic Undo button. I know I know,
I have to be patient in this situation. but I question how normal I
seem to others.
Now, getting to some more heavy stuff, do I question whether or not I am being
true to myself? Sure, but I think the answer is that I feel I am more true
to my core self than ever before. Things flow more naturally and I feel I am
more open in many situations. I think that in terms of resolving GID I am
certain that transition is solving it. Now, was transition the only method of
solving it? I don't know. I've thought a lot about if I had sort of not
started electrolysis in 2000 how things would be different. I could have found
a sort of happiness. I could have. But at the same time I think I would feel
that I was still wearing a mask that filtered my personality. I didn't want to
wear it anymore.
What about my anatomy? I don't think I've ever really been attached to it---and
I guess I'm about to be detached from it. So, I can quite easily say that I
don't question losing it.
Socially, well, this is a big thing. I always worry incessantly about
assimilation. One would think I have and continue to be able to do so.
However, because of all the trepedation of my earlier concerns here I
do indeed question if I will truly assimilate in the end. I hate
feeling inauthentic because I want to be known as a person, not a
medical condition. I do understand that heretofore social integration
is an uphill battle. I think I have the energy and the drive to meet
this challenge. I worry, though, that I'll get tired fighting one day.
Career-wise, well this depends a little on the social aspect. I think I
can make a successful career based on my strengths and merits. So I'm not
too worried from that standpoint. However, rallying people to my side and
making sufficient networking with colleagues and business clients comes
down to social interaction and because I'm worried about social integration
it almost implies that I'm going to be handicapped career-wise. I don't
know.
I think in the end I will be alright if I continue on this path. I think
that analyzing the parts of what I'm questionning I find that my concerns
are not unique to transgender issues and that I think I can find success.
I also believe that addressing GID means there is no really good solution
at this point and so even though there might be a toss-up between transitioning
and not transitioning, I am leaning on the side of transitioning because
I like the personal satisfaction.
