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ramblings |
Validation
2002.06.08
Validation of one's existence is crucial to your happiness, I think. It is the difference between being a living part of a community and merely existing. Today's experience really helped solidify my feelings about where I am and where I probably am going. But first I need to rewind a little.
I have been looking to get an ID of some sort in my preferred name but didn't know which one. It would be nice to get a fake driver's license with all the same information save for a more current picture, my preferred name, and the sex designator changed to "F". Getting this has two major problems: 1) it is illegal, 2) the places which can make the ID aren't exactly members of the Better Business Bureau.
So I nixed that.The second thing on my list has been to get a credit card in my preferred name. Well, I thought about this and this seems to have become the easiest way. I tried getting a different card on my current credit accounts (because I don't like opening up lots of different lines of credit) but they wouldn't add another person unless I could give them a different Social Security Number.* So I was kinda bummed about it for a while.
Time passed and about a month and a half ago I got yet another pre-approved platinum credit card offer. Hm. Well, it's preapproved and it had an extra line for another name. OK, here goes. I scribbled down my girl name on that line and sent in the form. And waited. Waited some more. Then virtually forgot about it. Until this past week.
A pretty boring envelope from Wilmington, DE, came addressed in my guy name. Oh great, another offer. But, hark! The envelope was much less flexible than normal. I opened it to find two brand-spankin' new credit cards in there, the second one with my name. Hey! It did work!
I was pretty stoked about that and moments later called the number for activation. No problems other than a really long message about how great credit card protection programs are and how you can transfer your existing balances. I ignored all of that, completed the process, and tucked the new card in my purse for later use. OK, now we can fast forward to today.
I went to Macy's about 11:00a to take advantage of some sales going on. (I had wanted to get there around 10:00a when the doors open but I had spent all last night until 2:30a playing Quake against my roommates and I was very tired. In the proper hands rail guns kick serious ass. [But I digress.]) I went in Girl Mode: high-cropped shorts, black scoop-neck tank, white semi-ribbed cardigan sweater, and sneakers. My mission was to find more suitable things to fill out my wardrobe so it's at least somewhat functional if I was to go full-time. Immediately upon entering the store I was confronted with a bazillion racks and the fun was just beginning.
It's kinda like a kid in a candy store. I grabbed lots of stuff---things I liked, things I was curious about---and was ducking in and out of the changing rooms every couple of minutes or so. The 6-item limit in the changing rooms is only a suggestion in my opinion.
Despite all the things I tried on I found out a few truths about this
stage of my life:- Clothes usually look better when you have some mass on your back side. I have virtually none even after binge-eating Ho-Hos. (You may sue me later.)
- Stretch-anything looks terrible on me probably because of lack of said back side. (See? I'm jealous.)
- I'm either a 4 or a 6P. Most of my older clothes were 6 or 8P. Maybe the diet is paying dividends now? (Not bad.)
- My shoulders are too big/muscular thanks to years of competitive swimming. (I wished they had warned me...)
- I passed by too many racks where I'm thinking these clothes are destined for the clearance rack---why would anyone make them in the first place? (Gack!)
- Most people don't give a care as I'm going in and out of the changing rooms.
About an hour and a half later I called up a couple of friends and we were to meet for lunch. They said to meet soon so I had to stop my shopping spree about then. I ambled over to the cashier's and started the checkout process. The lady was jovial and I was reply about how cute some of these things were. I presented a bunch of coupons and she helped me get the right one that would work best with the purchase---20% off on top of all the other discounts, whoohoo! I handed over my credit card (with my girl name on it) and no problems at all. I got back my receipt, wished her luck working with her botched register, and left. Even though I was having a Bad Voice Day she assumed my identity was Amber. (Validation Point #2.)
You know, this is exactly where I want to be now and in the future. I don't want to have to fight a daily battle that reminds me of my transgendered past. No, I want to go on as just another little member of society without anyone bothering me and me not bothering them. My life isn't about being transsexual and I hope it never will be---well, unless I'm doing some kind of public awareness thing.
As I was walking away from the checkstand I was just thinking to myself that I've really come a long ways from the first time I admitted I might have had a problem. I knew what I wanted and how I wanted to be, but I didn't know if it was possible or even the right thing. I think now from my current vantage point I can say that I like the way things are shaping up. I really do feel a stronger sense of being connected with who I think I've always been.
It is a very validating thing to go about your life the way you want to and find that you're meshing well among other people. If this is what transition is supposed to bring about then I want more of it.
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