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ramblings |
Vanquishing Vestiges
2002.07.01
So I wanna get FFS and there's a bazillion people telling me not to. Not that I'm beautiful or anything but I guess I'm fortunate enough with my genetics that I don't need FFS as a requirement for getting through the day without being read and subsequently harassed. They're saying "save your money for something else" or "don't cut yourself up because you don't have to". Valid points, I say. And, you would think that if a bazillion people who don't talk to each other all came up with the same opinion that you'd have to at least say that there is some statistical truth to what they're saying. And so the sensible person would listen to them and move on. But I am about as stubborn as a moth drawn to the flourescent bug trap. ("Ohhhh I see the light! The light! The... BZZZZZZZZZTTTT!! Aiiyeeee....!")
OK, I am not saying that I absolutely have to have FFS done. If push came to shove and I had to transition tomorrow, I'm sure I could eke out a decent existence. But it is a priority for me. Even if FFS is only going to round off the corners here and there and cost me a small fortune, I'm still wanting to do it.
This is something I'm going to have to throw around inside my head for a while. I think why I want to have FFS done is to remove those last vestiges of manhood clinging to my face. In certain situations they are not obvious to the observer. But, I'm more concerned about the intimate situations. I feel uncomfortable having a little bit of supraorbital bossing and sharp male-ish jawline. Also an obvious Adam's Apple. I don't want my partner finding these anatomical cues on my body. Why? Because at some level I still fear of being read.
These "problems" on my face are minor compared to what other TS go through, I understand. I probably shouldn't whine about them so much. But they do affect my confidence levels. I can still clearly recall my first support groups and how I attempted to dress up for them. I had guy-ish brows and hadn't trained my voice not one iota. So I felt really embarassed trying to portray myself as a woman when I clearly had too many male artifacts. Over time I've erased those artifacts or hidden them and that has made a huge difference in my ability to interact with the public at large. I don't want the remaining artifacts to be a reminder of my TS past or clue someone off to ask those odd semi-questions that begin like "hey, I never noticed you sort of have an Adam's Apple..."
I'm not trying to erase my past. I'm just trying to assimilate well enough that I have the option of when to tell people about my past. I think that's an important distinction. I'm also not trying to be perfect, but I have to be honest about what I consider to be a problem. Let's put it this way: I can tell by my car's ride when the tires are low on air and that does bother me. (Can we say overly detail-conscious?!)
Should I let this all go? Should I just give in to mass opinion and do nothing? Or should I follow my heart and do what I think is right? I'm torn on this one. I got to this current stage of my life by following what I thought was right for me and it has worked out quite comfortably so far. I think I'm also realistic about what the minor gain FFS will have. I guess I'm going to have to weigh whether I think a minor bit of correction will return enough emotional reward to warrant the high costs ($20,000+).
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