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	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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ramblings

What Preference?
2003.03.16

If you read the March 16 blog you'd see that I noted that I was watching Moulin Rouge and somewhere along the way it hit me: Ewan McGregor is kinda cute. I hit the "pause" button on the DVD player and just considered that for a minute...

I just admitted to myself that the guy is cute. A guy. I've been around a lot of women lately and wasn't sexually attracted to them. Hm...

And then I started thinking:

Wait. I'm really confused now. Since when did I stop being interested in girls and actually start noticing guys? Hm...

You can see that I certainly wasn't going to keep watching Moulin with stuff rolling through my head like this.

I keep wondering which way I'll go, in terms of sexual preference. I always figured I'd probably end up bi or something like that, but I think I've actually started taking on a direction. I wonder if it was just previous social taboo that kept me convincing myself that I didn't find some guys attractive. Or maybe it's the hormone balance. Maybe it's both?
I'm just confused. Sex plays such a small role in my life that it's probably not worth thinking about it too much, but I'd feel better if I knew how I really felt. Well, maybe that's not using the right words. Your preference is really something that just is or isn't and I suppose you'll know when you find yourself in the arms of another. But another thought struck me:

For the girls I was interested in, was I ever really sexually interested in them in the first place?

I think back to my relationships, especially my long-term relationships. I realize that I really did love them. I mean, there was a sort of bond that I can't put words to. I really did care and held them in my heart. But there was something else, too. I think I wanted to sorta be them, as in I saw a lot of myself in them. Consider the two long-term ones I had are (or were?) not exactly very feminine. Both, while unmistakably women in their own right, were very laid back people and fairly tomboyish. Nothing wrong with that, right? Right. But, personality-wise, how does that fit in with my own issues?
I remember growing up thinking that if I was ever born a girl, I'd probably be one heck of a tomboy. There would be no doubt that I was a girl but I would be out playing with the guys too part of the time or doing all sorts of things that were stereotypically unfeminine. I wouldn't be stuck in the usual female roles. Or so I thought I would think when I was younger. And the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure I would have gone through a long tomboyish phase probably into my teens, but somewhere along the line I'd start taking more interest in feminine things and slide in that general direction throughout college. Of course, we'll never know. But I seriously digress from the original topic: sexual relationships.

I never really had any strong lust for women. I'd look at the magazines and calendars and it wouldn't do much for me. And when I was around a lot of girls or women, I don't think there was that sexual subtext going on like in many co-ed groups. I just felt comfortable. And I can't remember myself being drawn to guys either. Maybe a better way of putting it is that I was quite asexual. And that has changed in more recent times.
It's funny thinking about what's going to happen in the future. I think that I'm very likely to be 80% hetero (as in I'd prefer a male partner) and 20% "whatever" (as in if someone special came along I might not care who/what they are). It doesn't really scare me at all. It just feels ... well, I was going to say "normal", but I dunno if I can ever classify it as "normal" because this whole transition process is pretty un-normal, you know? And so I'll reiterate a variation of my own words: it's just comfortable.