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ramblings |
Wishing, Well ...
2002.07.01
Me: I wish..."Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it." That's what I've been told numerous times. Really, it's true. So many things are possible with enough determination and resourcefulness. The question then becomes: are you willing to live with what you get?
Internal Me: Hey...
I wish I could live as a woman...
Hey!
I wish I wouldn't have to put on a male mask when I go to work...
Are you there?
I wish I could walk down the sidewalk without people staring at me...
Wake up! Smell the coffee!
I wish I could have a partner to love...
You're almost there already. What's stopping you?
I wish I didn't have vestiges of my male past...
Get over your insecurities! You can do this.
I wish I could just assimilate...
You might just do that sooner than you think.
I'm at an interesting stage now and I don't quite remember when I stumbled into it. I can get along in public fairly well, though there are things left to be desired. It's not to say that I am trouble-free, no. But I have options now. If I want to go out en femme it's almost like I just drop my hair, raise my voice, and change my gait. (I dress somewhat baggy so it hides my upper body muscles and lack of hips.)
I asked my endo this morning about good surgeons for trach shaves and she was like "for who?" I said it was for me. "You don't need it. You have some cartilege prominence but the scarring from surgery would likely be worse than what you have now." Her voice only added to my growing discontent about the popular sentiment that I should do nothing and use my piggy bank for other things. *sigh*
The upshot of all this I suppose is that if I had to transition tomorrow that I probably could and do decently well barring a few mishaps. I thought about that as I was waiting outside my electrologist's office. I could possibly transition tomorrow. I could live as myself, a woman who had been secluded to the most private places in my heart.
Wow. What a revelation. Wowzers.
It's like there are virtually no barriers to going full-time now. Freedom is but a short hop away. I have almost had my wish for full-time fulfilled. Four years ago I dared to think that this was even possible. Will I appreciate now this opportunity? Will I get scared and turtle back into the safety of androgyny and psuedo-manhood? Will I stagnate and not take that fateful leap of faith?
I should say that a complete transformation really cannot come tommorrow. I have just started HRT so it'll be months (at the earliest) before we know how I'm physically tolerating it. And, of course, there is the issue of SRS. So what I can do at the moment is coexist publicly but not so much intimately. I don't exactly plan on being "perfect" before hitting the full-time stage. I know that is a real pipe dream.
So what's holding me back at this stage? Self-confidence. I still find parts about me that I find need fixing, in my opinion. I suppose over time that I will grow into my body both physically and emotionally. I need to find my core strength and project that outward with confidence. I need to embrace the fact that the surgeon's knife won't solve my problems. I need to accept that I cannot be perfect and that imperfections actually are a plus.
I can do that, I know I can. But it's tough, you know, when you see your imperfections in the mirror. What's worse is when you know you can "correct" them by throwing money at the situation. And then your friends tell you that you shouldn't. It's like a big cookie jar filled with the most abominally-fattening mega-fudge choco chip cookies. You know you want to stuff your pie hole with that golden brown goodness and everyone's telling you not to do it! And so you stand there clutching the cookie, fingers marred with rapidly melting fudge, knowing you could so easily bite into it and it would be so easy but you are reminded of the long term consequences.
I go back to when I was just starting out looking very guyish and acting like that as well. I feared getting dressed because I knew I just looked terrible. Four years later and now I have some semblance of normalcy about me and I can semi-assimilate. When I'm in Amber Mode there is no real guyish things about me. A friend I had dinner with tonight said that when I had met one her friends about two months ago that that friend said "if you hadn't told me Amber was trans I wouldn't have known." (Yeah, talk about an ego boost right there.)
The next plateau, if you will, is going full-time in such a way so that I don't get overly pestered with people reading me. To that end I want that stealthiness, and I'm now leaning towards not doing any FFS. Like I said, that's really something that's eating away at my brain. *bite* *bite* (Hey, it tastes like chocolate chips, hm...) For me to accept that I have masculine characteristics (IMO) and that they won't be a detriment to my future success is hard because of my perfectionist attitudes. I guess I'm never going to be able to be totally stealth so I best give up that dream now. I know I want to avoid having things on my body clue off people or have oddities causing behind-the-back conversation. I have to get over this.
Yeah you do, girl!I have to trust other people's opinions maybe more than my own.
Isn't that what you said long ago when you said you were looking for friends to be your second set of eyes?I have to look at the larger picture.
Like the fact you're right on that edge between part-time and full-time.
Hey, I'm still downloading my emotions. Get out of the conversation!
No way. You have to get realistic here. You are being too (dare I say it?) anal about this.
Anal? But this is being realistic. The reality is that people are going to pick up on some of the finer details about me. And I think they scream "male"!
So you're saying that you're afraid of being read.
Sure am.
Even though you're probably not going to be. Not even now.
They have to have seen something. There are just things that don't fit to mold of "normal" girls.
Not true! Many girls have masculine characteristics about them but it's their overall presentation and their personality that makes sure you can't mistake them for anything other than women. Are you saying that you don't even feel like a woman inside?
Of course I feel like I'm fundamentally more female than male...
And...you think you sort of act female?
I think so.
...and people say you pretty much look female?
More often than not...
...and sound like a girl?
That too.
So, would you say that in general you project more female than male when you're in Girl Mode, enough that people actually believe you are female?
Well, no one at restaurants or stores has really hassled me about it.
OK, then the logical conclusion is you appear as an ensemble to be female, right? In other words, even though you have masculine characteristics, many other girls do too and something else that you're doing is combining in such a way that people overlook your masculine characteristics!
...um, I guess that's more the case than not...
Then you don't need FFS, end of story. If you do go ahead with FFS you know you're taking undue risks and spending money you don't need to.
...even though it's probably a good idea to get a trach shave?
Even so. Maybe the better way to go in this case is to try out full-time for a while and if the trach really does become a problem then at that time get it done. Right now you don't have so much a need, but maybe the need will present itself later!
Hm, interesting. That's a good point, Internal Me. I'm still not enamored with the idea of this wait-and-see, but maybe it's the best way. Especially 'cuz I have not too much money left over. Maybe the cash would be better spent on SRS and then afterwards if I still needed the FFS then I could go with that... Thanks for the advice.
No problem, sis.
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