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ramblings |
Epiphany: Awakening to Freedom
1998.11.09
I just had a realization two nights ago, and I think it pretty well sums up all I've been feeling and thinking up until this point of time...
Have you had persistent dreams of waking up in another body? Have you seriously considered changing sex permanently? Have you pondered the reason why you may be a transsexual? Have you decided what makes you happy?
I started pondering over that very recently. Not just about CDing, passing, or doing things with a more feminine expression. But really, what is the underlying reason why I should even entertain the thought of changing my physical body when it means almost certain social and workplace peril? Why would I destroy the carefully-laid foundation I have nurtured for my entire life? How could I even think of hurting my family and friends like this? And then, it hit me.
I want to transition because I wanted to be treated like a mature woman. I don't really care about sex. I really don't care about dressing. I really don't care about the material possessions in my life. Sure, those things are nice and I can't say that I can deny an affinity for them, but after transition I will be seen only as the woman I have longed to be. And, when I've gone through therapy, HRT, and SRS, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
I want to wear what I want. I want to be addressed in a kind and gentle manner, not with a sense of me having to prove my masculinity. In the end, when I'm standing there looking in the mirror, alone, in my room and I see a girl looking right back at me, no one is going to care about my troubles in the past. They don't want to be bothered by that sort of thing. Sure, it makes for a great discussion, but the world will view me only for my outward appearances for the rest of my life. There must be something deeper. Youth only lasts for so long, and it is the people that will make a difference in the course of our lives.
I think that a lot of us get caught up in trying to break free of our bonds placed on us by society. We hide our true feelings as to avoid the slings and arrows of modern "civilization". We hold it inside and it grows into frustration, confusion, hopelessness, and forces us to live a life that isn't truly ours. We cross-dress, adopt female names (or male if you're FTM), seek therapy, use the Net, and find alternate ways to express our true selves in forums that let us roam like carefree kids. We also cower behind our mental shields and lock our hearts away to avoid detection by others, maintain our current gender status in society, and hope that everything will work out in the end. The hard truth is that it is not a phase; feelings do not simply come and go.
Of course, we must recognize that no individual is truly free and that everyone must keep their behavior in check, but transgendered people are trapped by something more. We live a life that isn't truly whole. The open expression that many people grow up having was never an option to us. All I want is my share of the pie of life, and I want to be happy. I want to express myself without as many barriers. I don't want to have to live up to a standard which I don't think was built for me. I want to live.
I don't internally identify as male; I believe I think and act like a woman very frequently. I am not 100% female nor 100% male, but I gravitate stronger towards that which is deemed to be reserved for womankind. And I like it that way. Sure, you could say that maybe I'm just delusional, or that I aspire to be a woman because I haven't lived up to the standards of being a man. But, the fact remains: I want to be recognized.
Now, up until this point, all I've said is that there is a strong, indelible desire to change sex. But why? Since I want to be treated as a woman, I have to appear as a woman. Simple.
Despite the fact that we tell our kids that we should never judge a book by its cover, the fact is that we respond to people by visual and audio clues. Given that, you'll find that we compare people against mental templates. If you see a gang banger, you might tighten your grip on your purse or wallet; if you see a child, you might bend down and speak in melodical simple speech; if you see a limousine pull up in front of a building, you expect well-dressed or highly-educated people to emerge from the cabin. So, changing sex is all about changing your appearance to match your internal identity, in the hope that you will be treated in accordance to your presentation.
And that is why I believe I could endure a costly, painful transition. I feel that the freedom that I am seeking is a personal release that comes only when the people in my environment begin to address and treat me the way I wanted to be treated. But transition is not the only answer and it would be naive to say that it was the only way out of this silent hell.
If I was to retain my current male shell, but if I could just live in an environment which catered to my needs, then that would be satisfactory. I have no problem with being male in gender, and I would like all the advantages that go along with it. I want to embrace the society-defined traits and roles of women, but our society is like an exclusive country club. If you aren't one of "them", then you can't play. So where does that leave us? You either:
- transition so you can blend back into the segment of society that you know you belong to, or
- change your environment to let people let you express yourself freely in thought, action, and dress.
The flip side is for you to change your environment rather than yourself. Cultivate friends who are open and accepting, go through discussions with your spouse to let you roam more, or use your family as a forum to let you explore your heart. This is often a path that is filled with resistance, physical terror, and rejection. But, there are understanding people in this world who can create this environment.
Finally, that leaves us with what to do with you and I. For me, I plan to debate whether or not the cost of a transition is really worth it. Do I really need female social attention to live a full, happy life? Can I afford to go through such a harsh period in my life? Will I hurt the people around me? And, then for you, if you haven't transitioned and are in a state of confusion, are you going to let the years pass you by as you wallow in a mental haze?
Make a decision. Talk to your therapist, friends, and family. Write me e-mail, join an IRC chat line. Don't stop and wonder about the what-ifs. Transitioning isn't an option for everybody, just as non-op isn't always the answer. If there's one thing you walk away with when you click on to the next page, find within yourself what would make you the most happy person you could imagine, and focus on it. If you're confused, it will give you direction. If you're in the middle of a transition, it will give you hope. And if you've made it to the end, you can still dream about even better days.
^_^
I am taking control of
my life and I am going to make a decision
soon. I will live.
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