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ramblings |
Finding Happiness
1999.01.07
What makes you get up in the morning and smile? For a bunch of people I met just a few hours ago, it was knowing that they were expressing who they really are. It was finally kicking that annoying dysphoria out of their lives, and they were loving it.
I walked into that meeting scared and confused. I didn't know what to expect other than I was going to meet a bunch of people I had never met. I didn't know if I would belong. I wondered if I used my normal male voice that I might be ridiculed. I was also fearful of meeting a bunch of guys in dresses. There were just so many questions. I was clearly the youngest of the couple dozen people there, but at least not the only ones en drab---I came straight from work and besides I don't have any femme clothing (yet). But, strangely, I didn't feel out of place---it was actually more like being with a bunch of friends.
I couldn't identify with everyone in the room because I haven't gone through a lot of the emotional tortures that they have endured, but I understood everything that was being said. Better yet, I could talk with them and see past what they wore to who they were. And that was happy---or at least happier.
What I've learned about gender dysphoria so far is that it is a condition which slowly gets worse over time. At my age (24) it may not seem like that big of a deal, but just elapse 20 years into the future and you can see the pain that a lot of people go through. It isn't something that goes away either because since the mind is out of alignment with society---notice I didn't say body---every day that a person is made to live in their undesired role they grow this seed of angst. It is the social pressure which forces them in ways that they don't want to go and it's always an uphill battle. Eventually, either the seed has blossomed into nightmare or the individual is just too darn tired to fight him/herself any longer. Life seems to have been wasted.
Transition enters the picture now because it is a way to release the accumulated tension. So what if the end result ain't perfect? What matters is that the person is finally able to live their dream and they feel free and energetic. From the post-ops that I met, they feel that it was one of the best decisions they have ever made---and they would have done it sooner if it were possible. When you've removed the dysphoria, you have gained all that energy that you would have spent on suppressing it. That gives you the new lease on life and the optimism to go out there and live it. Even if all you do is go shopping or join a club of some sort, you are doing it as you, not as this handcrafted male shell.
There's a point when you stop trying to please everyone else and you turn to give yourself a little attention. When you are happier with yourself, the others will see it too.
What will it take to make me happy? I don't know yet. I have to decide now if I really am happy or just living an illusion. If I truly can come to the conclusion that I, too, am fighting against myself in order to keep up with the unwritten demands of society, then maybe I should also consider finding my own way to release my dysphoria. Transition? Perhaps...
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