|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
ramblings |
Need vs. Want: Part 1
1999.01.16
It's a lovely Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting here on a bench on the second story of the mall. The bench is perched next to the railing which marks the outside of an opening overlooking Nordstroms. I just finished walking the length of the mall, both floors, and I'm really exhausted. For the past four hours, I've covered two malls and I haven't spent more than $2, all of which was on a Valentines Day card. I was of course here to shop for my girlfriend as there are only about four weeks before Valentines and I am going to be quite busy in the near future. I'll be lucky if I can get out to go shopping a couple more times.
a:) Actually, I'm also doing a little shopping for
myself...You see, it's only about two weeks before the next group meeting and I'm looking for some femme attire---I have none right now save for a few ponytail bands. I loosely committed myself to coming to the next meeting CDed, so I need to probably buy a dress or something. (I do not look very feminine without one, so I have to get some distinctly female threads.) I sort of dreaded the fact that I am going to have to face the malls. It's really not that big of a deal, but I just worried what people would say as I am looking through the racks. I thought of a perfectly valid excuse, too: "I'm buying from my girlfriend." Actually, that is somewhat true, but it's not the complete reason.
Friday, I was somewhat nervous. For two reasons really: I don't want to have to shop the women's racks, and I'm afraid to find out that I have some transvestite fetish. I know that I shouldn't be nervous and I was even told by several people at the last group meeting just to get over what people think---it's more of a personal mental barrier than anything else. Most people won't really care, and the ones that do would rather I just buy what I want and then leave them alone. Fine with me.
Anyhow, here I am in the middle of the afternoon sitting on a bench in the mall with nothing to show for my efforts. I've perused the inventories of all the major stores---Macy's, Nordstroms, Sears, JC Penny, Talbots, Gap, Ann Taylor, etc. What shocked me the most (besides the prices I'll have to pay) is the fact that there isn't much that I liked. I did find a few nice dresses and skirts, but most things aren't "me". I have so much more selection than male clothes and yet I don't want them.
I'm looking for a simple dark dress that comes down around the knees. I'll probably end up getting a thin necklace, black nylons, and dark shoes---a slip, too, if required. (I don't think I'll worry about the bra at all for now.) The other option is to go with a more layered approach: longer dark skirt, light top, and a second button-top or sweater over that. Either way, it's pretty simple and the total costs should be under $200. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but I find it hard to visualize me wearing a lot of the stuff.
How do I explain this? It's like, I look at all this stuff and I just don't want it. I don't care for the panties. Not for the bras. Not for the tight mini-skirts. Money is not the problem---I have enough to buy pretty much whatever I feel like. Rather, the issue is that I just can't see myself in a lot of the stuff. It's either too gaudy, too tight, too weird-looking (color-wise), or just not the style I want. I know I need to get something like that but I don't want to buy a dress for the sake of buying it. I want to feel comfortable wearing it.
My heart just isn't into putting on tight dresses, wearing a bra, or using makeup. Quite frankly, I got bored. And so I stopped here on a bench, got out my Palm Pilot, and started writing. I wanted to find girl's clothes because I want to see if there is some erotic high I'd get out of it. Instead, I yawned. You can only look at so many skirts before you say "blech". I guess that I just kind of reached the point where I am asking myself "what's the point?" The point should be: get girl's clothes so you can see if you pass for a girl. The problem is that the kind of clothes I like are very typical casual wear---there is very little difference between that and what I'm wearing right now. The only thing that would probably change is the name on the label.
So, am I giving up on CDing? No, I'm still going to be hunting. But it's going to take an attitude adjustment. I'll sacrifice the $110 to get a decent dress and maybe $50 for a sweater. Oh, and probably $45 for shoes, $40 for a necklace, and $6 for nylons.
Sigh.
|
 |
 |
|
|