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ramblings |
The Road Less Traveled
1998.11.30
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It would seem that people around the world are brought up from childhood to follow a certain roadmap that is carved out by society. That map evolves slowly over time, but people pretty much follow this map. In the case of the average middle class American, you basically go to school, perhaps go to college, find a job, get married, have kids, retire, and spend the remainder of your years playing with the grandkids or playing bingo. Some people are more socially and physically active, some aren't. But, the common thread among the decisions that people make is that they are pretty much "normal" decisions as endorsed by society. There are not many people who consciously drive away from this roadmap because it usually incurs separation from the status quo. Quitting your white collar 9 to 5 office job and deciding to become a leather-clad biker is an example of deviation from the norm, but it is not unheard of. Running away from home is also an example of not following that roadmap, but again it is not so uncommon that it cannot be conceived. But, try talking to some about getting a sex change and they look at you like some kind of alien species. If becoming a biker means veering off the roadmap perpendicularly, then TG topics can be thought of leaving the roadmap, circling the earth in low orbit, and then landing you in a remote jungle.
All I ever wanted to be was "normal". I wanted a normal education, a normal family life, a normal job, and a normal future. I wanted a normal wife with rebellious (but normal) kids. I could live in a normal house and maybe even get a normal dog. I never could have envisioned even up until half a year ago that I would entertain the thought of discarding this carefully constructed roadmap that my parents, teachers, and company has laid out for me. But I'm strongly considering it.
Why? Well, there's many other reasons why, but most importantly because the normal life may no longer hold a promising future for me. I don't want to wake up some 20 or 30 years down the road in some recurring depression where I hate life because I could not fit into the normal picture. Worse yet, I don't want to come to the realization then that I had the chance at 24 to correct my life and I threw it away because I was too scared to face the facts. Life is such a precious thing and time steals away the opportunity to make decisions as every moment passes. I want to embrace all that life has to offer rather than always trying to play some kind of game of Simon Says just so I can stay in line on that narrow roadmap. And, so my life is approaching yet another fork in the road---this one being crucial to the remainder of my existence.
Within just months, I know I will be standing at the junction of The Decision: to transition or not. I wish there was a third path, but from all that I've read and all that I know, there is not. I cannot throw my hands into the air in confusion or pray that someone makes the choice for me, because if I choose to do nothing, my life will slide right by this window of opportunity in favor of the well-traveled path I'm supposedly destined for. The world is warm and welcome to those who stay on that "normal" side. I can envision the coming years of parenting, of aging, and of general happiness that I will probably have. It may not be perfect, but I know I can find at least some things in life which I can feel good about. I know that in the end, I will survive. But, I also know that I will always feel the weight of the question which was never answered: what would life have been like as a woman? That is what bugs me more each day.
Those two little words may very well take away my sanity in later years: "what if?". And that is why as each minute rolls by on my watch, I have to wonder whether my transgendered yearnings will ever subside. If they will, I have nothing to worry about and should continue on the road to a normal happy ending as if the word "transsexualism" never existed. But, with every new Web page I come across, I know that it is very likely that I can never lose this part of myself---I like this part of myself, too. It is what has made me the person I am today and suppressing/ignoring it will only lead to frustration and discontent.
I find myself inching towards the road less traveled. I know the grass certainly is not greener on that side---it is littered with thorns and traps. The air will be cold and thick from the people's harsh words and frigid stares. I will have to cut my own path with my own fingernails when there is none. And I may not be able to stop and rest until I reach my goal. I know it will be a difficult time but, I am beginning to think that anything else would lead my life to be only a lie. I certainly don't want to live with just a shadow of what my life could be. I know I have so much to offer and I don't want to be held back. I just don't want to live as a breathing and eating organism, but I want more opportunities to contribute to society. (Maybe becoming an advocate for TG people is one of them?!)
I don't think a transition would solve all my problems and it certainly won't open up windows of opportunity immediately. That will take lots of work. But, if subduing a gender conflict means that I have one less thing to worry about, then I think the expense may well be worth it. I can't keep wavering between this to-be-or-not-to-be decision forever because I'm already showing signs of getting tired. Who knows, I may even find that the "thorns and traps" aren't so frightening after all? One thing is for sure: when I do make my choice, I'm no longer going to crawl sheepishly towards it but rather take large, bounding, proud steps towards the Truth...
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