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ramblings |
The Human Touch
1999.01.02
Okay, I'm almost used to writing "1999" now.
a:) Today is
the 2nd and in about 4 days I expect to be met with one of the most
frightening experiences in my life: encountering other TG/TS people in
the flesh. Yeah, my first attendance at a support group meeting.
What's going through my head at this moment are questions. Some are as
trivial as "what if I can't find the place?" and "what should I wear?".
Others are more like "what are they going to look like?", "will I fit in?",
"should I fit in?", and "what should I say?".I'm somewhat scared because this will be the first time (outside of therapy) where I have actually come in contact with another person without having a nice protective barrier like the Internet. This time there are no safety nets and no time delays. Any body language that I have can be read by anyone in the room---there's no hiding. I don't know the people I'm going to see and I have no real plans on what to talk about. So many unpredictable things leads me to uneasiness.
When I first got to college, I left behind almost all my friends. They went to other colleges or took up other jobs. Also, since I didn't live in the dorms, there was this initial period where I knew almost no one except by face. Something had to happen real quick so I joined a few groups. There was always this small period of apprehension when I walked into a room of total strangers and trying to make some kind of conversation. When you have nothing in common, sometimes it's hard to get started. Add to that the fact that I was still pretty shy. But, somehow things worked out and I met up with some great people who are still friends today.
So, five years later I'm repeating the same events. You figure by now I should be more comfortable going out with total strangers, but the situation is different this time. The thing that separates this meeting out from the previous encounters is that we're dealing with a topic that most of us hold deep within ourselves. We're dealing with fears, with repressed anger, with strange feelings, and with conflicts between ourselves and people we know. And, to express our feelings on transsexualism we each have to let down some part of our protective mental shielding. That's hard to do. I think that many of us walk around with conditioned defense mechanisms to keep us alive, and purposely opening ourselves up to being vulnerable is an unnatural thing.
And yet I think I'm going to go to this meeting---I could make up some excuse and not show up. But, I need to go to this meeting. I need to see for myself if I can openly discuss the issues that bother me among other people with similar predicaments. I need to bounce ideas off of them and try to see if I truly do fit in with this group. I need to hear firsthand what it's like from other people's perspectives.
Maybe for the first time I'll publicly be the self I've wanted to express. There's just something about interacting with other people directly that you can't get in a chat room or in e-mail or even over the phone. I'm told that maybe a dozen or so people will show up and I'll be there in my usual work clothes---maybe there will be someone else like that too. Maybe I'll find that I really do belong there. That last thought there is what is driving me to go. And that makes me more optimistic...
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